“Christian singleness epidemic” – but why?
By Andrew Symes:
Last week I attended an afternoon conference about relationships and marriage which represents the ‘moderate and acceptable’ face of the evangelical scene on this issue which is dividing our churches and our culture. We heard about a problem and some potential solutions; we all went away having learned a few new stats and networked a bit, but it was all very uncontroversial, with no recognition of the ‘elephants in the room’.
Annabel Clarke, co-chair of the newly formed organization ‘Engage’, spoke first. The strapline of this group, which seeks to offer teaching and encouragement around relationships and marriage, is “Making Christian marriage possible”, and comes out of a recognition that there has been a decline in marriage among young middle class Christians, especially professionals. This is a serious spiritual problem and does not bode well for the church of the future.
We heard some stats, for example that women outnumber men two to one in churches, so there is a need to be more intentional in reaching and discipling men for Christ. Carl Beech of Christian Vision for Men, who was chairing the meeting, addressed this issue specifically. But many of the men who are in church are not getting married! We heard that while marriage is valued in church, and in fact many single people feel undervalued as a result (more stats from other speakers on this topic), there is increasing evidence that large numbers of twenty and thirty-something singles are often not even in the ‘going out’ scene (or ‘dating’ to use the American term). Perhaps men are afraid of commitment; women are not sure how to manage the process because of confusion about roles; both are working long hours.
Katherine Hill from Care for the Family and Harry Benson from the Marriage Foundation also gave input. Both stressed the unique contribution that is made by Christian marriage, both in terms of witness to Christ and offering stability to society. The church should speak up for marriage in the public square, telling young people outside church as well as inside, that finding and keeping reliable love depends on marriage. Some useful tips were shared on how to do this.
We heard from Nicky and Sila Lee of Holy Trinity Brompton, who spoke about how they see many young people coming to faith on Alpha and becoming part of the church in the London congregations, but often remaining single. They have begun a ‘Relationships’ course as a prequel to their famous Marriage Course, to try to instill foundations and to encourage people to think about and prepare for marriage. A more discordant tone was given by the speaker from Romance Academy, who blamed the situation on the church’s ‘negative’ teaching about sex, which puts young people off. We must be “people of hope”, he said, which will then draw people to listen to our message about healthy relationships.
Small group and plenary discussion focused on practical ways in which local churches can support marriages, be welcoming to singles, and encourage young people to move towards marriage.
So far, so 1989. Well maybe that’s unfair – perhaps the decline of Christian marriage in affluent southern England is a new problem affecting us now, and we should welcome attempts to promote Christian marriage. But the analysis and solutions proposed at this conference were frankly at least 25 years out of date. Women outnumber men in church – really? Is that new? Single people sometimes feel left out; men afraid to commit; the dating game or ‘courting’ is difficult and complicated – well I never! Haven’t they solved these problems since Jane Austen’s day? Young Christians need to be taught positively about relationships and marriage? – my old Joyce Huggett books from the 1980’s will be perfectly serviceable for the issues described at this conference.
The ‘elephant in the room’ was not mentioned at all. The massive sexual revolution which has changed everything was ignored. I asked some participants privately: “all these so-called single adults in churches – are they actually single in the biblical sense? Are all the 30 and 40 something unmarried Christian guys living like monks?” To which the initial response was “well I’m sure that in my church…” then rather sheepishly “well maybe not all of them are technically celibate…” And what about porn, warping the minds of Christians – might that have an effect? Not mentioned. And then, with all the talk about marriage, was there a reference to the fact that marriage has now been redefined, and that being gay is now an accepted category among many Christian young people? When the speakers talked about marriage they meant monogamous, heterosexual union. That’s not how many young people think – but this point was not raised, and most delegates I spoke to confirmed that the gay issue is not being addressed in their churches. Nicky Lee said that young Christian professionals have somehow lost the “road map” to establishing a relationship and then marriage – true, but my thought was: could the confusion about sexuality, gender and marriage in our culture, driven by government and media and targeting young people, have something to do with this? Not addressed at the conference.
The lack of clarity in church teaching on sex, with ‘two integrities’ now becoming accepted in mainline Protestant denominations, also didn’t get a mention. The conference took place on the day that Bishop Alan Wilson’s book “Perfect Union” was published; throughout the week he was promoting his ideas all over the media while to my knowledge refutations from senior church people were almost non existent. One of the conference delegates, a curate at a well known large evangelical church in London, brushed this aside by saying “everyone is entitled to their views – we want a church where there is free expression and exchange of ideas”. Oh really? I thought we were in the business of Gospel and Truth?
I’m sure that many of the speakers and delegates went away determined to pray for Christian marriages and find ways to get more young people together in marriage and new families, for the sake of the growth of the Kingdom in this country. But in their failure to address the realities of the current context, and their refusal to offer any public protest, they provide a snapshot of much orthodox Christianity in the English church: out of date, fearful, increasingly powerless. The growing number of Christianity’s new interpreters appear not to have these weaknesses.
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