The gift of singleness and the challenge of marriage
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By Andrew Symes, CEN
The Bishops have recently reminded us that according to the Christian faith, marriage can only be between a man and a woman, even though the nation’s legal definition has changed. Many powerful and persuasive voices are now arguing that this is untenable; the Church should simply “get with the programme”, allow gay clergy as well as laity to marry, provide services of blessing for them in church, and in time remove the ban on same sex weddings in church buildings. The task is urgent for those who hold to the orthodox biblical view, to present convincing positive explanations not just for keeping marriage heterosexual, monogamous and permanent, but also for keeping singleness celibate.
In “Washed and Waiting” (Zondervan, 2010), Wesley Hill speaks from experience about homosexual desires. As a Christian he is convinced that these should not be fulfilled in partnered relationships. The often intense longing for companionship and intimacy, which the culture obsessively idolizes in the form of romance and sex , becomes fulfilled for the single person in a more profound experience of non-erotic friendships, supportive church community (what a challenge for the church to be like that!), and in appreciation of God’s desire for us. Hill does not downplay the difficulty of this, but shares how he has learned to depend daily on God for forgiveness and grace. If change of orientation does not happen, the solution cannot be found in rejecting God’s clear word, but submitting to its discipline, and in doing so learning that God takes us seriously and is training us for glory.
Testimonies on www.livingout.org take a similar line. But also, same sex attracted people may experience change in their desires, and it is vital that this option remains open (see for example www.core-issues.org). Importantly, for all single people, submission to the discipline of celibacy, perhaps for a lifetime, while wrestling with desire is not a cruel tragedy but a gift. We take up our cross for our own sake, but also for others who see Christ in us, are challenged by us and support us as we journey. Richness of life, Spirit-filled creativity and transformation is the result of responding to the Gospel call to put self aside; conversely, what might seem to be a short cut to relief and happiness stops up the flow of God’s grace, often resulting in a turning to idols, the experience of judgement, and resulting anguish.
Another influential book on the subject of relationships has been Tim and Kathy Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage (Hodder, 2011). Just as celibate singleness should not be a joyless struggle, so marriage is not automatically ‘happily ever after’: both are designed by God for creative and joyful witness to him through other-focussed love. The Kellers note that monogamous marriage in today’s society is either derided as out of date Victorian morality, seen as the magic answer to loneliness and unhappiness, or something that you promise to do until it ‘doesn’t work’ and a better option comes along. Instead, “God designed marriage to reflect his saving love for us in Christ, to refine our character [as celibacy does, but in a different way], to create stable community for the birth and nurture of children…Christian vision for marriage is not something that can be realized by two people of the same sex” (p16).
In marriage, I am called to love the ‘other’ who is at times a stranger who I don’t understand, a different gender. Not only am I called to cleave to this person exclusively, but permanently. To forgive, and seek forgiveness from this person, daily. To help the other to flourish by practical and sacrificial service, from laundry to career restriction. A major error is to assume marriage and the family are institutions of personal fulfillment, for my benefit, necessary for me to become whole and happy. Contrast this with the counter-intuitive Christian understanding that “it is more blessed to give than to receive”.
Despite the powerful romantic myth, marriage is not the end of the struggle to be human – it brings a whole new set of challenges, which if not addressed with daily laying down of self, replaces love with simmering resentment, the fracture of relationship with its often devastating effect on children, and even domestic violence. Married couples need the message of the Gospel to stay loving and faithful, and they need the support of people, including those called to be single, to help on the journey.
The teaching of Christ is hard, but infinitely rewarding. The Gospel is not that we can avoid the challenge by clever reinterpretation, but be drawn into the Trinity through the cross, and so fulfil the law that leads to life. We need God’s help to live and explain this better.
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